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Homebodyblogger in her element

Goals

Setting yourself goals is easy, you make yourself a list, you give yourself this huge pep talk to get it done, even if small or big goals. Then, its like 5 months and your goals haven’t been met. You start to be your worst enemy telling your self that you suck, and you can never do anything. I mean you may not talk to your self like that but I do. I try to make small goals, never the big ones. I get scared to easily or I forget to do it.

One of my goals was to become a blogger, which I did. Am I where I wanted to be, nope I’m just a baby blogger but hey I have to give myself some credit, I started it.

My other goal is to get healthy and to work out. Well, of course that’s everyones goal right. You get this huge health kick, you do it for like a month, and then boom, you went to McDonald’s after being at target all day and get yourself a mc chicken. Hey I get it you’re allowed to eat, don’t deprive yourself, but you talk to yourself and you quit saying that you didn’t do it the right way and you messed up.

The other goal, is to be the best that I can be and be truly happy. That goal it is what I strive everyday and trust me my method right now it’s working, I care less what people say, and I don’t feel the need to care as much as I have been. It’s way better then crying about it later.

My small goals you ask? Post a blog every Sunday, work out 5x times a week, read a book, and write in my journal. Making sure that I meal prep on Sundays, listen to my relaxing music playlist on my journal/blogging days, and less social media (still working on that, dang you tiktok). I’m trying to stop taking work so serious, relax more, take a bath once a week, and date night. As well as making my bed every morning, saying a prayer, drink water, don’t over snack and less eating out.

I mean who doesn’t have goals, who doesn’t feel like a checklist is necessary. We are human, we are trying to strive to be better. I know when my goals get to far away I start talking myself down, and I start saying all the negative stuff that I haven’t done. I mean can you blame me for being that way?! I strive to be a perfectionist but of course my anxiety takes over and I start being this crazy psycho OCD bitch. Who everyone always ask me like wtf is wrong with you??

Yeah I get it I’m not perfect but, I do try to be. I try to be this person who has their shit together, who looks like their house is clean, and who never makes any mistakes. Ha that’s funny, trust me their is so much dog hair on my wooden floors from my husky which me and my husband try to vacuum everyday. I try to keep my house clean that’s what everyone else sees but, my room yeah tha’ts a different story. See I have an issue of trying to look like I got shit together but, really I’m a human with 4 dogs a husband, and a house.

My goals maybe different but, everyone has their own goals they’re chasing.Do what you have to do to complete them, write them down, and checked them off once you do it. I know I do on my journal, I cross them off every time I do it in the week or the month, and I give myself a pat and the back. I have less anxiety when I do get them checked off. Now, trust me, my anxiety gets bad when I dont do a task so I end up feeling defeated but I keep my head high and I strive for next week. Who said I was perfect? shit happens!

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Faith

Faith can be defined in so many ways, it can be with god or it can be spiritually.

I know this topic is very different and not everyone is religious but, I have been trying to be more at peace, and find my faith spiritually or even religiously. I don’t know what my next step is or where my future will lead me. What I do know is that I believe in god and that things happen for a reason.

I’m still trying to create my real me which, has always been a struggle for me as I was raised in a very catholic family. I went to catholic masses every Sunday faithfully. After my sexual abuse my faith changed, why would god allow such a horrible experience happen to a 12 year old girl. Why? my faith was questioned. After my horrible experience my mom had dragged me to a healing event at the church, and I was like freak this I’m not going to this what is the point. That night I will never forget, the priest came around and was telling everyone “what ever you might be feeling, what ever is hurting you, and whatever you have questioned let it go today”. Let go of the heaviness, and seek forgiveness in yourself and pray. I prayed so hard that I cried so hard I prayed and prayed, and right there I stopped crying and let out a long exhale. That was the day I decided to forgive the person who hurt me, and eventually that person will feel the hurt they have caused me. That will be the day that I realize that it wasn’t my fault, and to trust myself.

I don’t consider myself catholic I mean I believe in god but, catholic isn’t for me. Trust me I have questioned him a lot especially the times of fertility treatments, and not conceiving. I still try to keep my head high and keep my faith. I just haven’t found the church, a group that will help me learn or that I will be able to prefer.

There are so many religious people out there that talk about god and how the live for him but, are the same people that talk about you and that judge you. I believe god loves EVERYONE and those people that are so called religious I would never want to go to their churches. That means what you believe is not that same as my belief.

I know I am wrong about feeling the way I do, and that I should trust him 100%. I’m human, I’ve been thru a lot, I always pray, and I always make sure at the end of the day I give him my all ; but is that even enough.

Like I said this post might not be relatable, and it might even be controversial. I just know that this is my belief and this is what I have been trying to fix within myself.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Piece Of Mind

Self development. One key word that you always want to strive for. Let’s face it, no one is perfect, no one can wake up in the morning and even say “I’m perfect, successful, have a great family, great house and I don’t need to change”.

I try to work on me and find different ways to make me better, I mean thats the whole reason why I’m blogging duh. Today, I bought 2 journals, opposite but something I lack that I want to try.

First one, is called “Progress over Perfection” now this one is about helping you achieve anything you set your mind to without the pressure of doing everything. That one I want to be able to be successful, not feel like I’m overdoing it, or feel stressed about the fact that it isn’t helping. Not everyone can be a famous tiktok, or youtuber, I really wish though. I just want to have the courage to be able to do what I want and be happy no matter what the outcome should be.

Next journal, is called “Everyday Calm” this one the title states it all. I want to be able to try to find different ways to cope with anxiety. I want to be able to feel peace, tranquility, and find me. I want to be able to destress myself, heal mind, body, and spirit. Yeah, I have therapy, and medication. Do I want to rely on that forever, no.

These books, I want to try and see what they do for me, if they help I would deff be recommending, so you can have the courage and the strength to find yourself.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Interior Design?

I’ve been in health care for years lets say more the 7rs. Ever since I bought my home I’ve been dreaming of being an interior designer, I love colors, styles and its everything and more. Of course, when you buy your home you want to design the way you want it but, I always read about every different style. Of course it’s competitive and of course no one knows that in my soul I love walking into different homes and just seeing the way people decorate, the colors they have, and what gives them inspiration gives me so much vibes. It’s crazy because who would’ve thought that owning a home would give me a vision that I never knew I had.

My head always runs a thousand times, I would walk around stores, and even the house 17million times before I find the right pot or the right chair. It’s what I love to do but, would I even be successful that’s my question and also what my anxiety is afraid of. I would love to though but, I’m not great with social media or with followers, and I am a bit of a introvert (insert shrug emoji).

I love to sit on my couch and to watch HGTV, I love every show on it, just to see every different style and colors. I love the fact that you can play with colors, and different styles mixing modern farmhouse with a little bit of Boho.I don’t know if I’m crazy or just inspired but, I feel like walking into any home decor or fabric store just gives me the sense of peace.

My style is modern farmhouse I love a touch of old mix with a little bit of modern vibe. I love a little bit of everything actually, even boho, I love having baskets, and having plants in every room.

I don’t know if I’m crazy or just trying to figure out my life but, I just don’t know what life holds for me, and if this is my path or my journey that I might want to look into this.

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F*** It.

I attempt once again to try another way to get pregnant, I read on a article that people tried these vitamins and they conceived in the first 30days of trying it. Trust me I even read the reviews it had 14,000 reviews on amazon, I was like mean this is great I’m going to try this. Insert eye roll, 30 days later guess who got their menstrual, stupid shit didn’t work. I feel like now I have attempted my last restort. I just feel like now its been 7yrs of heartache and trying different ways that I just shrug my shoulders and say “fuck it!”, let’s find a new journey because this isn’t working. I’ve wanted this for so long and all it keeps doing is letting me down over, over and over 100million times again, month after month.

Mentally, when it comes to having a baby it’s whatever now of course I still want a child but, I’m not trying anymore. Now, I will work on me which, is the whole reason why I starting blogging; I mean since me blogging I’ve had less anxiety. I am not cured though trust me, but it’s good that I don’t have to take my medications all the time.

I started working out and it has been helping with stress and anxiety, not the weight loss yet. Trying to build my self confidence, because I am my worst enemy. I put myself down harder then any one else does. Your judgement may hurt but my words to myself hurt more.

On the next chapter rant you may find things about me that you may have known or not but, who said my story was finished? We got a long way before I find my true me.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Mothers day

Is it crazy that every mother’s day I stay home, I every year try to be away from family. Of course I see my mother, mother in law, grandma and my best friend. Anyone else I don’t, I love to be home where I can be myself and not have to run into anyone saying happy mothers day. I’m not a mother and I get awfully sad and want to be in my safe haven where I can be me, where I can watch ID channel and drink wine, even read a book. Yes it’s been 7years but, trying to conceive unsuccessfully, and trying to be a foster mom with not being able to because covid it saddens you. Trust me, I am a proud fur mama, but at the end of the day my pcos takes over, my anxiety, my sadness just trials me and I feel the need to keep myself away. No one understands that failure I have towards not being able to really celebrate mother’s day like a true mother should be.

I mean I love being a dog mother trust me I do, its easy and I’m such animal lover. I’m still failing on the one thing that I don’t have and that is a child. I’ve bought fertility supplements to see if we can get pregant that secretly me and Anthony have been trying.

Mother’s Day still sucks and if you don’t know the struggles of trying to conceive or loss of child you wouldn’t know the stress, the sadness, and the heartache of dealing with mother’s day today and the years to come.

When I say that when I’m at work and people say “Happy Mother’s Day” it’s the most saddest thing you would say to mother who has been hurt, who has been disappointed, and who has loss, just watch what you say on this day because that small thing you say can hurt 1000 more then what you mean.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Night Routine

What helps you destress, unwind, or even relax. Are you the person who sits on TikTok for hours and goes to bed at 2am. That used to be me but, my unwind is different now I’m a early bird and I rather be up early then be late in bed. I rather go to bed at 8pm and wake up at 530am. I know who even does that but thats me, I feel like I get it from my mom. I love to go to work early too even if I hate the job.

My unwind process is… I make sure my purifier is on, my humidifier is on, my diffuser is on with lavender essential oil, my vicks is rubbed all over (asthma and allergies are on another level) and I spray essential oils on my bed and pillows. Now trust me it doesn’t work every night BUT it does work 90% of the time. Who would have thought simple things like that make such a huge difference. I also been in the habit of working out, I’m trying to push myself to be better then I was yesterday. Now, not all everyday I’m better, but so far I’ve been doing good. I write in my journal, I make sure I did my nightly routine, and honestly it has helped my anxiety a lot. I have cut back on my therapy sessions to once a month just for a mental health check. Trust me having therapy sessions has done great for me but, it’s to the point that I feel like I don’t need my therapist at all, BUT I still take anxiety medication.

Is it crazy that, having a night routine helps your anxiety so much. People think I’m crazy when I go to bed at almost the same time every night, and doing the little things I listed above but, it truly helps.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Oh Anxiety!

I hate to say it but having anxiety is like having butterflies in your stomach at all times, diarrhea without the pepto, nauseous without the throw up, and having chest pain without the heart attack.

Why does anxiety even exist? It’s hard to breathe and heaviness just sits on your chest, it wakes you at anytime of day or even night, doesn’t allow you to rest or sleep, and doesn’t even allow you to take control of your own mind. Anxiety is legit and its the worst, I mean there could be days where you can be so happy and boom anxiety. Why? well thats the best thing of anxiety you never know when it happens.

Today was one of those days, I woke up at 1am with chest heaviness that I couldn’t even sleep, I just keep tossing and turning and it was hard to go back to sleep. It was so bad that I just decided to take my anxiety medication to just make it stop. Finally, I went to bed at 3am, when my work alarm wakes me up at 615am.

Having anxiety is not having control of anything, not even of who you are, it takes a toll on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You feel defeated and even feel insecure.

One time I was out and about with my husband of course just spending some quality time and boom once again an anxiety attack. He kept asking me why I had an anxiety attack but sometimes you dont even know. Its annoying, because you don’t know when its coming it is just a presence that you feel and it takes over.

Oh anxiety how I wish you didn’t exist, I wish you didn’t show up when I’m having my good days, and I wish you didn’t show up when I’m trying to de stress or unwind.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

It’s been a while.

Its been a while since I wrote, trust me I know it. I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been trying to do all the other things that I had in my new year new me ish. For example, making sure I write in my journal, or making sure I eat better (I know thats everyone but I’m doing it for different reasons lol) or decluttering my home and etc. Its been a whole anxiety attack from here, I’m trying to do one room at a time, like every weekend I plan to declutter a room and I end up sitting on my couch watching t.v. I mean who doesn’t stare at the messy closet thinking they are getting it done today but just end up on social media. Like right now, instead of cleaning my closet I decided to pop on some jazz music and start writing, yes of course I be throwing down some Kenny G. I got music for every mood I’m in, I love every genre of music. Back to what I was trying to say was I’m been slacking on this blogging stuff, but trust me I’ve been doing everything I promised myself I was going to start doing.

First things first, I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes down to the blogging game, I would I rather be journaling, but I wonder do they have computer ones? Truthfully, I write to hard to write in a journal, trust me my hands hurt writing a paragraph, if I could carry my lap top at all times and journal that would be my best route. I love to write but my hand hurting writing a paragraph is an issue, thats why I choose to blog. You don’t have to love everything about what I write but I write for my own sake and not for anyone else. I write for me, and only me.

Add music and writing and your at peace, your at your element and you get into the zone. Try it, go into a room thats quiet, add some relaxing music and a journal or a laptop and tell me you don’t feel the same. My space is my she den, I have a fireplace and a huge desk, now its not kept away because my dogs want to be up my butt, but I add some music and sit on my comfy ass chair and a girl goes. Now, you might ask what the heck is she den, well its like a man cave, craft room, whatever your space is called in that part of the house where its yours. My she den has my books, my unused circuit machine, my computer and my friends decor.

Singing inserted… my song is on, and I know you know this song, its Sade “Smooth Operator”. Anyways, my element is simple, music and a quiet room with a laptop, or a book and thats it. Now, in the streets my element is Target and Home Goods, and Starbucks thats a girls ish right there.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

It still hurts

If you read my last blog, you know I have realized that I’m still broken and I thought all this time that if it happened or didnt happen I would be fine. Yeah that was a lie {insert eye roll emoji}. I had an appointment at the gynocologist on Friday and sat at in the waiting room. I’ve done this millions of times, normal annual pap smear. This time it was different, 3 pregnant woman were waiting too. That never bothered me before, but that day it did. As, I sat there one of them had a clear drink, that was handed to her by an MA, so she starts drinking it. One of the other pregnant woman asked how far along was she, because pretty soon she will had to do the same. They started talking to each other and how far along they were and then they started laughing about being pregnant, and one of them said “This is my 7th child” and the other pregnant one was like “I just had a baby last year and here I am again” and the last pregnant one (the one who was given the drink” said “omg me too” and all 3 started laughing. I texted my husband because I became upset, of course as a great husband he is, he did the pep talk and calmed me down, then I was called to the back. As I was checking out from that appointment, I heard in the ultrasound room of a small heart beat. As I stood at checkout I had a huge knot in my throat, and as soon as I sat in my car tears started to fall. I cried so hard that I howled, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt destroyed, I just kept screaming, and asking why it can’t be me. It was bad the whole way driving to get my husband I just cried and ugly cried some more, so bad that it was hard for me to even see driving. Of course as soon as I got close to my husbands job, I stopped. I didn’t want him to see me destroyed once again.

The hardest part is, I did fertility treatments (with a different feritilty doctor), I spent thousands of dollars. My husband and I have good quality equipment I just can’t ovulate. I probably can get pregnant with IVF but who has $15,000 sitting around. We tried even fostering, went thru application and then BOOM covid happened. I even emailed again, to the foster people that were in charge of my file and they advised me that due to covid, they are not doing a new foster parents yet. Now, what do I have left? Yeah everyone always says “it will happened” but when you have waited 6yrs, would you like hearing to that over and over again.

I suppose hearing that will make me feel better but it doesn’t. Can you blame me though, its an emotional rollercoaster of my life, my fears, and one makes me get into a deep depression. I want to be able to move on but, it hurts when its being discussed all the time. I don’t want to be cruel, but I’m not here for a Cinderella story, I’m here to write down every feel, every hurt and every thing that has happened in my life.