Home Body Blogger

I found that typing and blogging is something that I love to do, yes I know I don’t post but trust me there is like 7 blogs that I have not posted. This space for me is an element, a glass of wine and a chill playlist. While my chihuahua is under the chair and I keep kicking him because I keep forgetting he is there. Let’s get back into it, I’m at my element right now and I have been thinking about a lot so, Ima let It spill like bounty paper towels can’t collect (yes I am corny).

I’m stuck, I have so many things I want to do in life then to just work 8-5 job. I’ve had so many dreams and so many of them haven’t happen. I’m so stuck that I have contemplated getting a life coach, or a career conseler. I have so many ideas but, I tend to give myself to much negative feedback.

At one point I wanted to be a Zumba instructor, I loved dancing and dreamed at one point of my life to become a professional dancer. I looked into going into Zumba instructor, was going to pay for the classes but, was scared that no one would attend and I chugged that dream away. I wanted to do photography bought a camera but, my camera is sitting in my drawer. I want to be an interior designer I love looking and creating spaces, I always give advice to my friends and family but I just don’t know where to start. I want to start sharing how I reversed my hormones of my PCOS but, I don’t have the platform and certification to do so. I wanted to blog so I started that but, I don’t know if it’s hitting the right person, and if people are truly reading. I sometimes don’t post my blogs, it sits on the back burner until I read them over and over and edit them and just say “f**k it” and I publish them. I can go back to school but, to do what get a f**king degree on something I hate to do, something I regret, and be in complete debt just because.

I have so many ideas that I just don’t know what to do or how to even start. I know I am not the only one, you move 2 steps forward and get into it then, you keep your self frozen because, you don’t have the knowledge or know anyone that can help. I told you I’m stuck in a funk and I don’t know where to push.

I want to do something in life other then working and that’s everyone. I want to able to create or do something that makes me truly happy. Now that I’m at my 30s with no kids (f**king infertility) I feel like I need to do something for me. I want to wake up in the morning and go to work knowing that I’m getting somewhere, knowing that little by little it will pay off whatever I decide.

This funk got me f**ked up! SOS, I need to catch this dream catcher and starting living it.

The things I want to say, is the things I didn’t expect to say so soon. I wish I had million years but this time I only have this. I never expected that I would have to say goodbye so, I wrote you my last letter to show you that you did something for me and I never had a chance to tell you. A time of my life that I never regretted.

I know you’re not here right now but this letter must be written, for this letter isn’t for the world but it’s for me. This letter is to tell you how much you really meant to me.

I am grateful for you being you and for being the one who didn’t care what people said, you were a rebel and I loved you for that. You were you no matter what people thought of you.

You helped me in a lot of ways, that you didn’t know, or I didn’t express to you, but I thank you. I thank you for being the person who saved me when I turned 18 because, my childhood wasn’t perfect. Who showed me that I wasn’t at fault for the things that had happened. You gave me security, where growing up I didn’t have. You loved me not because we were family but, you considered me as one of your kids.

You were the first person who met my now husband, and he will always cherish you as much as I did. We didn’t talk as much as we did before but, every time we saw each other, or wrote to each other, it’s like we didn’t miss a beat. I mean you even got me drunk for the first time ever (gosh I hated throwing up that night). We went shopping, countless car rides, where we sang and danced all the time. We did Zumba classes all the time, gosh how much you loved to dance and I cooked while you always baked. You always gave me advice on everything, you taught me to be a strong woman.

I never thought it will be the day that I had to say goodbye, to the person that I called mom #2. To the person, that took that little broken girl, whose childhood went to shambles, and gave her a sense of peace, and love. I can never repay for what you did for me.

I feel so numb that it isn’t even real, my last words to you was “I love you” and you said it back, and smiled. I would’ve never thought that would be the last time I heard your voice. You will forever have a place in my heart Mari.

Heaven needed their dancing angel back.

Setting yourself goals is easy, you make yourself a list, you give yourself this huge pep talk to get it done, even if small or big goals. Then, its like 5 months and your goals haven’t been met. You start to be your worst enemy telling your self that you suck, and you can never do anything. I mean you may not talk to your self like that but I do. I try to make small goals, never the big ones. I get scared to easily or I forget to do it.

One of my goals was to become a blogger, which I did. Am I where I wanted to be, nope I’m just a baby blogger but hey I have to give myself some credit, I started it.

My other goal is to get healthy and to work out. Well, of course that’s everyones goal right. You get this huge health kick, you do it for like a month, and then boom, you went to McDonald’s after being at target all day and get yourself a mc chicken. Hey I get it you’re allowed to eat, don’t deprive yourself, but you talk to yourself and you quit saying that you didn’t do it the right way and you messed up.

The other goal, is to be the best that I can be and be truly happy. That goal it is what I strive everyday and trust me my method right now it’s working, I care less what people say, and I don’t feel the need to care as much as I have been. It’s way better then crying about it later.

My small goals you ask? Post a blog every Sunday, work out 5x times a week, read a book, and write in my journal. Making sure that I meal prep on Sundays, listen to my relaxing music playlist on my journal/blogging days, and less social media (still working on that, dang you tiktok). I’m trying to stop taking work so serious, relax more, take a bath once a week, and date night. As well as making my bed every morning, saying a prayer, drink water, don’t over snack and less eating out.

I mean who doesn’t have goals, who doesn’t feel like a checklist is necessary. We are human, we are trying to strive to be better. I know when my goals get to far away I start talking myself down, and I start saying all the negative stuff that I haven’t done. I mean can you blame me for being that way?! I strive to be a perfectionist but of course my anxiety takes over and I start being this crazy psycho OCD bitch. Who everyone always ask me like wtf is wrong with you??

Yeah I get it I’m not perfect but, I do try to be. I try to be this person who has their shit together, who looks like their house is clean, and who never makes any mistakes. Ha that’s funny, trust me their is so much dog hair on my wooden floors from my husky which me and my husband try to vacuum everyday. I try to keep my house clean that’s what everyone else sees but, my room yeah tha’ts a different story. See I have an issue of trying to look like I got shit together but, really I’m a human with 4 dogs a husband, and a house.

My goals maybe different but, everyone has their own goals they’re chasing.Do what you have to do to complete them, write them down, and checked them off once you do it. I know I do on my journal, I cross them off every time I do it in the week or the month, and I give myself a pat and the back. I have less anxiety when I do get them checked off. Now, trust me, my anxiety gets bad when I dont do a task so I end up feeling defeated but I keep my head high and I strive for next week. Who said I was perfect? shit happens!

Faith can be defined in so many ways, it can be with god or it can be spiritually.

I know this topic is very different and not everyone is religious but, I have been trying to be more at peace, and find my faith spiritually or even religiously. I don’t know what my next step is or where my future will lead me. What I do know is that I believe in god and that things happen for a reason.

I’m still trying to create my real me which, has always been a struggle for me as I was raised in a very catholic family. I went to catholic masses every Sunday faithfully. After my sexual abuse my faith changed, why would god allow such a horrible experience happen to a 12 year old girl. Why? my faith was questioned. After my horrible experience my mom had dragged me to a healing event at the church, and I was like freak this I’m not going to this what is the point. That night I will never forget, the priest came around and was telling everyone “what ever you might be feeling, what ever is hurting you, and whatever you have questioned let it go today”. Let go of the heaviness, and seek forgiveness in yourself and pray. I prayed so hard that I cried so hard I prayed and prayed, and right there I stopped crying and let out a long exhale. That was the day I decided to forgive the person who hurt me, and eventually that person will feel the hurt they have caused me. That will be the day that I realize that it wasn’t my fault, and to trust myself.

I don’t consider myself catholic I mean I believe in god but, catholic isn’t for me. Trust me I have questioned him a lot especially the times of fertility treatments, and not conceiving. I still try to keep my head high and keep my faith. I just haven’t found the church, a group that will help me learn or that I will be able to prefer.

There are so many religious people out there that talk about god and how the live for him but, are the same people that talk about you and that judge you. I believe god loves EVERYONE and those people that are so called religious I would never want to go to their churches. That means what you believe is not that same as my belief.

I know I am wrong about feeling the way I do, and that I should trust him 100%. I’m human, I’ve been thru a lot, I always pray, and I always make sure at the end of the day I give him my all ; but is that even enough.

Like I said this post might not be relatable, and it might even be controversial. I just know that this is my belief and this is what I have been trying to fix within myself.

Self development. One key word that you always want to strive for. Let’s face it, no one is perfect, no one can wake up in the morning and even say “I’m perfect, successful, have a great family, great house and I don’t need to change”.

I try to work on me and find different ways to make me better, I mean thats the whole reason why I’m blogging duh. Today, I bought 2 journals, opposite but something I lack that I want to try.

First one, is called “Progress over Perfection” now this one is about helping you achieve anything you set your mind to without the pressure of doing everything. That one I want to be able to be successful, not feel like I’m overdoing it, or feel stressed about the fact that it isn’t helping. Not everyone can be a famous tiktok, or youtuber, I really wish though. I just want to have the courage to be able to do what I want and be happy no matter what the outcome should be.

Next journal, is called “Everyday Calm” this one the title states it all. I want to be able to try to find different ways to cope with anxiety. I want to be able to feel peace, tranquility, and find me. I want to be able to destress myself, heal mind, body, and spirit. Yeah, I have therapy, and medication. Do I want to rely on that forever, no.

These books, I want to try and see what they do for me, if they help I would deff be recommending, so you can have the courage and the strength to find yourself.

I’ve been in health care for years lets say more the 7rs. Ever since I bought my home I’ve been dreaming of being an interior designer, I love colors, styles and its everything and more. Of course, when you buy your home you want to design the way you want it but, I always read about every different style. Of course it’s competitive and of course no one knows that in my soul I love walking into different homes and just seeing the way people decorate, the colors they have, and what gives them inspiration gives me so much vibes. It’s crazy because who would’ve thought that owning a home would give me a vision that I never knew I had.

My head always runs a thousand times, I would walk around stores, and even the house 17million times before I find the right pot or the right chair. It’s what I love to do but, would I even be successful that’s my question and also what my anxiety is afraid of. I would love to though but, I’m not great with social media or with followers, and I am a bit of a introvert (insert shrug emoji).

I love to sit on my couch and to watch HGTV, I love every show on it, just to see every different style and colors. I love the fact that you can play with colors, and different styles mixing modern farmhouse with a little bit of Boho.I don’t know if I’m crazy or just inspired but, I feel like walking into any home decor or fabric store just gives me the sense of peace.

My style is modern farmhouse I love a touch of old mix with a little bit of modern vibe. I love a little bit of everything actually, even boho, I love having baskets, and having plants in every room.

I don’t know if I’m crazy or just trying to figure out my life but, I just don’t know what life holds for me, and if this is my path or my journey that I might want to look into this.

I attempt once again to try another way to get pregnant, I read on a article that people tried these vitamins and they conceived in the first 30days of trying it. Trust me I even read the reviews it had 14,000 reviews on amazon, I was like mean this is great I’m going to try this. Insert eye roll, 30 days later guess who got their menstrual, stupid shit didn’t work. I feel like now I have attempted my last restort. I just feel like now its been 7yrs of heartache and trying different ways that I just shrug my shoulders and say “fuck it!”, let’s find a new journey because this isn’t working. I’ve wanted this for so long and all it keeps doing is letting me down over, over and over 100million times again, month after month.

Mentally, when it comes to having a baby it’s whatever now of course I still want a child but, I’m not trying anymore. Now, I will work on me which, is the whole reason why I starting blogging; I mean since me blogging I’ve had less anxiety. I am not cured though trust me, but it’s good that I don’t have to take my medications all the time.

I started working out and it has been helping with stress and anxiety, not the weight loss yet. Trying to build my self confidence, because I am my worst enemy. I put myself down harder then any one else does. Your judgement may hurt but my words to myself hurt more.

On the next chapter rant you may find things about me that you may have known or not but, who said my story was finished? We got a long way before I find my true me.

Is it crazy that every mother’s day I stay home, I every year try to be away from family. Of course I see my mother, mother in law, grandma and my best friend. Anyone else I don’t, I love to be home where I can be myself and not have to run into anyone saying happy mothers day. I’m not a mother and I get awfully sad and want to be in my safe haven where I can be me, where I can watch ID channel and drink wine, even read a book. Yes it’s been 7years but, trying to conceive unsuccessfully, and trying to be a foster mom with not being able to because covid it saddens you. Trust me, I am a proud fur mama, but at the end of the day my pcos takes over, my anxiety, my sadness just trials me and I feel the need to keep myself away. No one understands that failure I have towards not being able to really celebrate mother’s day like a true mother should be.

I mean I love being a dog mother trust me I do, its easy and I’m such animal lover. I’m still failing on the one thing that I don’t have and that is a child. I’ve bought fertility supplements to see if we can get pregant that secretly me and Anthony have been trying.

Mother’s Day still sucks and if you don’t know the struggles of trying to conceive or loss of child you wouldn’t know the stress, the sadness, and the heartache of dealing with mother’s day today and the years to come.

When I say that when I’m at work and people say “Happy Mother’s Day” it’s the most saddest thing you would say to mother who has been hurt, who has been disappointed, and who has loss, just watch what you say on this day because that small thing you say can hurt 1000 more then what you mean.

What helps you destress, unwind, or even relax. Are you the person who sits on TikTok for hours and goes to bed at 2am. That used to be me but, my unwind is different now I’m a early bird and I rather be up early then be late in bed. I rather go to bed at 8pm and wake up at 530am. I know who even does that but thats me, I feel like I get it from my mom. I love to go to work early too even if I hate the job.

My unwind process is… I make sure my purifier is on, my humidifier is on, my diffuser is on with lavender essential oil, my vicks is rubbed all over (asthma and allergies are on another level) and I spray essential oils on my bed and pillows. Now trust me it doesn’t work every night BUT it does work 90% of the time. Who would have thought simple things like that make such a huge difference. I also been in the habit of working out, I’m trying to push myself to be better then I was yesterday. Now, not all everyday I’m better, but so far I’ve been doing good. I write in my journal, I make sure I did my nightly routine, and honestly it has helped my anxiety a lot. I have cut back on my therapy sessions to once a month just for a mental health check. Trust me having therapy sessions has done great for me but, it’s to the point that I feel like I don’t need my therapist at all, BUT I still take anxiety medication.

Is it crazy that, having a night routine helps your anxiety so much. People think I’m crazy when I go to bed at almost the same time every night, and doing the little things I listed above but, it truly helps.

I hate to say it but having anxiety is like having butterflies in your stomach at all times, diarrhea without the pepto, nauseous without the throw up, and having chest pain without the heart attack.

Why does anxiety even exist? It’s hard to breathe and heaviness just sits on your chest, it wakes you at anytime of day or even night, doesn’t allow you to rest or sleep, and doesn’t even allow you to take control of your own mind. Anxiety is legit and its the worst, I mean there could be days where you can be so happy and boom anxiety. Why? well thats the best thing of anxiety you never know when it happens.

Today was one of those days, I woke up at 1am with chest heaviness that I couldn’t even sleep, I just keep tossing and turning and it was hard to go back to sleep. It was so bad that I just decided to take my anxiety medication to just make it stop. Finally, I went to bed at 3am, when my work alarm wakes me up at 615am.

Having anxiety is not having control of anything, not even of who you are, it takes a toll on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You feel defeated and even feel insecure.

One time I was out and about with my husband of course just spending some quality time and boom once again an anxiety attack. He kept asking me why I had an anxiety attack but sometimes you dont even know. Its annoying, because you don’t know when its coming it is just a presence that you feel and it takes over.

Oh anxiety how I wish you didn’t exist, I wish you didn’t show up when I’m having my good days, and I wish you didn’t show up when I’m trying to de stress or unwind.