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Homebodyblogger in her element

PCOS is an asshole

PCOS oh how I freaking hate you. I can honestly say that you have been good to me in the past, because I was dumb enough to be in serious relationships and wanted to be a hot ass with no protection. This time around though when I’m happy and committed to a wonderful husband is when PCOS is an asshole. When I gained weight I felt horrible oh man I would look in front of a mirror (and remember I am my hardest critic) look at myself and say “why are you such a fat cow”. When my husband reads this he will be upset, but that’s what I called myself. I will look at myself disgusted so I would try diets, after diets, trust me I’ve spent so much money on weight loss products. All it would do is lose 10lbs and I will plato by the second month. I will become frustrated and cry and look at my body even worse.

Want to hear the worst part, remember when I told you that I was seeing a fertility doctor, well guess what he told me after my diagnosis with PCOS, your overweight and the reason why your not able to get pregnant. Hit me when I’m already low, he sent me to his nutrionist. That was a nightmare, she was a total bitch just like he was, and was always talking down to me and if I slipped she would throw in my face, “see this is the reason why you aren’t pregnant” . Once again I’m crying because to hear that, threw me down so low that once again I hit my depression bottom, and thought maybe it was best for me not ever be a mother, or a wife. I once again hit rock bottom, and thought maybe my husband was better off without me. (don’t be scared this was 7yrs ago), I was naive and thought all my husband wanted was a baby and that if I didn’t happen he would leave. I hit a breaking point with this damn fertility doctor and spoke to my husband, he went with me to the nutritionist and heard how she talked to me, we left that appointment and he looked at me, and we had the talk, he told me that he didnt care if we never had kids as long as we had each other it didnt matter, he loved me for me, and to never go to this damn fertility doctor again. Now, around that time we gained our beautiful neice and I loved her so much, that when I was babysitting her and rocked her to sleep, my heart shattered and I would cry with her in my arms (no one knew this though). I wanted this, I wanted a baby, and I felt defeated. I told my gynecologist this after the follow up appointment what I went through with the fertility doctor so she decided she will help me, so I started taking clomid (a fertility drug) and I thought finally this is my chance to become a mother, nope multiple months no success, and at that time I got more depressed, and was diagnosed with anxiety. It got to much and I felt I wasn’t myself at all, I was broken, and I hated myself. Everyone wanted a child from me and my husband and would always bring it up around me, and trust me I know their intentions weren’t hurtful but if you was in my shoes every time you would ask when we are having a baby, you took a little piece of my heart (and it still does), you would remind me how much of a failure I was, and how much longed to be a mother. Every mothers day hurt, every baby shower I was invited, and every child’s birthday.

Now, you want to know a secret why I have so many animals, because I have a huge empty nest and all those animals is every time my heart shattered of not being a mother, so for the past 6 years I had a new animal, now you tell me that I’m a psycho having all those animals. I love those animals with all my heart, and its because of them that I was able to somewhat find happiness with myself and was able to go to your baby showers, your kids birthday parties, and hear your new baby announcements.

Had to grab a box of tissues, because I have finally admitted to myself that I am still broken.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Rock Bottom

Life has been rough for me, I can honestly say that I haven’t been happy with myself for awhile. Trust me, even writing that one sentence, I’ve had already had tears in my eyes. I felt for so long that I can’t be happy because it wasn’t written in the cards, or that I don’t deserve it. I’ve judged myself harder then anyone else had, I’ve been bullied in my younger years and that doesn’t even hurt as much as I hurt myself. I’ve been my lowest low, my depression has taking me to some dark places and I don’t know if I would’ve been here if it wasn’t for the fact that I was scared to even it attempt it. My depression started when I was a teenager, I don’t have to get into detail but put it like this almost every girl I’ve spoken to have been sexually victimized. I was at my lowest low after that and all I wanted to do was not live, not breath not have any care in the world because no one cared enough for me. I let it define me for so long, I pointed the finger to myself, and now looking back I hate that I blamed me because, it was never my fault. I would’ve let it take me, I thought leaving this earth was going to make things better, but honestly surviving is the better win. It still haunts me time to time but I believe in karma and oh did it do well, but I’ve also learned to forgive but I will never forget it.

My other hard rock bottom was my diagnosis of PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it’s a hormonal disorder that cause many different symptoms, like weight gain, infertility, loss of hair. When I first meet my husband I had gained a lot of weight and I thought maybe like every relationship you always gain weight, well for me that wasn’t the case. It took me and my husband to start trying for a baby to realize something was wrong. Writing this again is making me cry, but isn’t this the reason why I’m doing this to become a better version of myself. I went to my gynocoloist where she told me that I had all the textbook symptoms, but she wanted me to get blood work and see a ferility doctor. Well, thats when I hit rock bottom, what kind of a woman needs a fertility doctor to get pregnant. My husband and I went to the fertility doctor and thats when it was confirmed with blood work and ultrasound that I indeed had PCOS. Thinking back that day it was horrible my heart shattered, I felt useless as a wife, and a woman. When you grow up that’s all you wanted, a family and for me, that was going to be the hardest journey of my life.

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Homebodyblogger in her element

Hello world!

New Years Resolution, starting a blog! I’ve been wanting to do this forever, and yeah it took me till 2021 to start. It seems with COVID there is a new way of trying to live life in different ways. I was a homebody (key my blogger name) and all I was trying to do was live my life. Everything around us was changing, thank god me and my husband were ok and we didn’t lose our jobs during it all. Now, can I say I didn’t become a wineoholic nope I’m certain now that I will be writing on every paperwork at the doctors office that I drink every day (tell me I won’t lie on it still though). I know you probably read my about me page (if you didn’t what are you doing here?) but I’ve been wanting to start becoming a better me, but how are you suppose to become a better you without knowing that you aren’t as put it together as you think you are <insert anxiety>. I don’t write blogs because I just want to become an author (I didn’t pass English class for that) but because writing down helps you focus on the important stuff. If you personally know me, I am not a happy go lucky always in a great mood person. I am in fact a perfertisont, a workaholic, a total asshole, BUT I am that person that will push beyond your limits, be there for you, and will always lend a hand even if its the last $2 in my pocket. My journey thru life has always been scary, difficult and with a lot of anxiety. I just can’t help the fact that my real life journal is about to become your life journey or as I hope so. I have done some pretty bad things (sorry not sorry mom) and some really great things too. In this story, we have to start from the beginning. Well, not that early because then this well be a very very long blog (and my foot has officially started falling asleep). I was born in Chicago, and raised in a town in south jersey, where there is a lot of land and nothing really else to do. When my mother and father decided to divorce I came to live in this town in south jersey with my godfather and my grandmother (yup, my father aka sperm donor didn’t care for me and my brother but thats daddy issues that we won’t get into right now). Now, I was raised with a strict old school Puerto Rican grandmother who raised you to be a respectful woman (I know people can relate to that). I can’t say she didn’t teach me well but, boy I hated it then. I wasn’t allowed to play outside with the boys because girls were suppose to be inside cooking and cleaning of course. Who wasn’t raised with grandparents that weren’t strict with you. I’ve learned my great wife duties with my grandmother and mother because of it. I lived with them for years until my mom decided that she will get her own place. It was great and we have so many great memories I still remember the first meal we had there me and my brother shard a 20 piece nuggets and a supersize fries (remember those 90’s babies) with my mom on a huge ass microwave because we didn’t have any furniture at all yet, those were the times. Even though my struggles have made me become who am I now, I feel there is still something I haven’t learned or gained from this. To be the best version of myself, to be happy of what I’ve become, to love myself in every stretch mark, every tear, and every smile. After 2020 being the year it’s been, I think I can say with half the world reading this 2021 its time to reflect on my life, my insecurities, and do everything that I always told myself that I can’t do. This year I want to turn it into I CAN DO THIS!