PCOS oh how I freaking hate you. I can honestly say that you have been good to me in the past, because I was dumb enough to be in serious relationships and wanted to be a hot ass with no protection. This time around though when I’m happy and committed to a wonderful husband is when PCOS is an asshole. When I gained weight I felt horrible oh man I would look in front of a mirror (and remember I am my hardest critic) look at myself and say “why are you such a fat cow”. When my husband reads this he will be upset, but that’s what I called myself. I will look at myself disgusted so I would try diets, after diets, trust me I’ve spent so much money on weight loss products. All it would do is lose 10lbs and I will plato by the second month. I will become frustrated and cry and look at my body even worse.
Want to hear the worst part, remember when I told you that I was seeing a fertility doctor, well guess what he told me after my diagnosis with PCOS, your overweight and the reason why your not able to get pregnant. Hit me when I’m already low, he sent me to his nutrionist. That was a nightmare, she was a total bitch just like he was, and was always talking down to me and if I slipped she would throw in my face, “see this is the reason why you aren’t pregnant” . Once again I’m crying because to hear that, threw me down so low that once again I hit my depression bottom, and thought maybe it was best for me not ever be a mother, or a wife. I once again hit rock bottom, and thought maybe my husband was better off without me. (don’t be scared this was 7yrs ago), I was naive and thought all my husband wanted was a baby and that if I didn’t happen he would leave. I hit a breaking point with this damn fertility doctor and spoke to my husband, he went with me to the nutritionist and heard how she talked to me, we left that appointment and he looked at me, and we had the talk, he told me that he didnt care if we never had kids as long as we had each other it didnt matter, he loved me for me, and to never go to this damn fertility doctor again. Now, around that time we gained our beautiful neice and I loved her so much, that when I was babysitting her and rocked her to sleep, my heart shattered and I would cry with her in my arms (no one knew this though). I wanted this, I wanted a baby, and I felt defeated. I told my gynecologist this after the follow up appointment what I went through with the fertility doctor so she decided she will help me, so I started taking clomid (a fertility drug) and I thought finally this is my chance to become a mother, nope multiple months no success, and at that time I got more depressed, and was diagnosed with anxiety. It got to much and I felt I wasn’t myself at all, I was broken, and I hated myself. Everyone wanted a child from me and my husband and would always bring it up around me, and trust me I know their intentions weren’t hurtful but if you was in my shoes every time you would ask when we are having a baby, you took a little piece of my heart (and it still does), you would remind me how much of a failure I was, and how much longed to be a mother. Every mothers day hurt, every baby shower I was invited, and every child’s birthday.
Now, you want to know a secret why I have so many animals, because I have a huge empty nest and all those animals is every time my heart shattered of not being a mother, so for the past 6 years I had a new animal, now you tell me that I’m a psycho having all those animals. I love those animals with all my heart, and its because of them that I was able to somewhat find happiness with myself and was able to go to your baby showers, your kids birthday parties, and hear your new baby announcements.
Had to grab a box of tissues, because I have finally admitted to myself that I am still broken.