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Homebodyblogger in her element

It still hurts

If you read my last blog, you know I have realized that I’m still broken and I thought all this time that if it happened or didnt happen I would be fine. Yeah that was a lie {insert eye roll emoji}. I had an appointment at the gynocologist on Friday and sat at in the waiting room. I’ve done this millions of times, normal annual pap smear. This time it was different, 3 pregnant woman were waiting too. That never bothered me before, but that day it did. As, I sat there one of them had a clear drink, that was handed to her by an MA, so she starts drinking it. One of the other pregnant woman asked how far along was she, because pretty soon she will had to do the same. They started talking to each other and how far along they were and then they started laughing about being pregnant, and one of them said “This is my 7th child” and the other pregnant one was like “I just had a baby last year and here I am again” and the last pregnant one (the one who was given the drink” said “omg me too” and all 3 started laughing. I texted my husband because I became upset, of course as a great husband he is, he did the pep talk and calmed me down, then I was called to the back. As I was checking out from that appointment, I heard in the ultrasound room of a small heart beat. As I stood at checkout I had a huge knot in my throat, and as soon as I sat in my car tears started to fall. I cried so hard that I howled, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt destroyed, I just kept screaming, and asking why it can’t be me. It was bad the whole way driving to get my husband I just cried and ugly cried some more, so bad that it was hard for me to even see driving. Of course as soon as I got close to my husbands job, I stopped. I didn’t want him to see me destroyed once again.

The hardest part is, I did fertility treatments (with a different feritilty doctor), I spent thousands of dollars. My husband and I have good quality equipment I just can’t ovulate. I probably can get pregnant with IVF but who has $15,000 sitting around. We tried even fostering, went thru application and then BOOM covid happened. I even emailed again, to the foster people that were in charge of my file and they advised me that due to covid, they are not doing a new foster parents yet. Now, what do I have left? Yeah everyone always says “it will happened” but when you have waited 6yrs, would you like hearing to that over and over again.

I suppose hearing that will make me feel better but it doesn’t. Can you blame me though, its an emotional rollercoaster of my life, my fears, and one makes me get into a deep depression. I want to be able to move on but, it hurts when its being discussed all the time. I don’t want to be cruel, but I’m not here for a Cinderella story, I’m here to write down every feel, every hurt and every thing that has happened in my life.

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