Faith

Faith can be defined in so many ways, it can be with god or it can be spiritually.

I know this topic is very different and not everyone is religious but, I have been trying to be more at peace, and find my faith spiritually or even religiously. I don’t know what my next step is or where my future will lead me. What I do know is that I believe in god and that things happen for a reason.

I’m still trying to create my real me which, has always been a struggle for me as I was raised in a very catholic family. I went to catholic masses every Sunday faithfully. After my sexual abuse my faith changed, why would god allow such a horrible experience happen to a 12 year old girl. Why? my faith was questioned. After my horrible experience my mom had dragged me to a healing event at the church, and I was like freak this I’m not going to this what is the point. That night I will never forget, the priest came around and was telling everyone “what ever you might be feeling, what ever is hurting you, and whatever you have questioned let it go today”. Let go of the heaviness, and seek forgiveness in yourself and pray. I prayed so hard that I cried so hard I prayed and prayed, and right there I stopped crying and let out a long exhale. That was the day I decided to forgive the person who hurt me, and eventually that person will feel the hurt they have caused me. That will be the day that I realize that it wasn’t my fault, and to trust myself.

I don’t consider myself catholic I mean I believe in god but, catholic isn’t for me. Trust me I have questioned him a lot especially the times of fertility treatments, and not conceiving. I still try to keep my head high and keep my faith. I just haven’t found the church, a group that will help me learn or that I will be able to prefer.

There are so many religious people out there that talk about god and how the live for him but, are the same people that talk about you and that judge you. I believe god loves EVERYONE and those people that are so called religious I would never want to go to their churches. That means what you believe is not that same as my belief.

I know I am wrong about feeling the way I do, and that I should trust him 100%. I’m human, I’ve been thru a lot, I always pray, and I always make sure at the end of the day I give him my all ; but is that even enough.

Like I said this post might not be relatable, and it might even be controversial. I just know that this is my belief and this is what I have been trying to fix within myself.