Life has been rough for me, I can honestly say that I haven’t been happy with myself for awhile. Trust me, even writing that one sentence, I’ve had already had tears in my eyes. I felt for so long that I can’t be happy because it wasn’t written in the cards, or that I don’t deserve it. I’ve judged myself harder then anyone else had, I’ve been bullied in my younger years and that doesn’t even hurt as much as I hurt myself. I’ve been my lowest low, my depression has taking me to some dark places and I don’t know if I would’ve been here if it wasn’t for the fact that I was scared to even it attempt it. My depression started when I was a teenager, I don’t have to get into detail but put it like this almost every girl I’ve spoken to have been sexually victimized. I was at my lowest low after that and all I wanted to do was not live, not breath not have any care in the world because no one cared enough for me. I let it define me for so long, I pointed the finger to myself, and now looking back I hate that I blamed me because, it was never my fault. I would’ve let it take me, I thought leaving this earth was going to make things better, but honestly surviving is the better win. It still haunts me time to time but I believe in karma and oh did it do well, but I’ve also learned to forgive but I will never forget it.
My other hard rock bottom was my diagnosis of PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it’s a hormonal disorder that cause many different symptoms, like weight gain, infertility, loss of hair. When I first meet my husband I had gained a lot of weight and I thought maybe like every relationship you always gain weight, well for me that wasn’t the case. It took me and my husband to start trying for a baby to realize something was wrong. Writing this again is making me cry, but isn’t this the reason why I’m doing this to become a better version of myself. I went to my gynocoloist where she told me that I had all the textbook symptoms, but she wanted me to get blood work and see a ferility doctor. Well, thats when I hit rock bottom, what kind of a woman needs a fertility doctor to get pregnant. My husband and I went to the fertility doctor and thats when it was confirmed with blood work and ultrasound that I indeed had PCOS. Thinking back that day it was horrible my heart shattered, I felt useless as a wife, and a woman. When you grow up that’s all you wanted, a family and for me, that was going to be the hardest journey of my life.