Category: Homebodyblogger in her element

Its been a while since I wrote, trust me I know it. I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been trying to do all the other things that I had in my new year new me ish. For example, making sure I write in my journal, or making sure I eat better (I know thats everyone but I’m doing it for different reasons lol) or decluttering my home and etc. Its been a whole anxiety attack from here, I’m trying to do one room at a time, like every weekend I plan to declutter a room and I end up sitting on my couch watching t.v. I mean who doesn’t stare at the messy closet thinking they are getting it done today but just end up on social media. Like right now, instead of cleaning my closet I decided to pop on some jazz music and start writing, yes of course I be throwing down some Kenny G. I got music for every mood I’m in, I love every genre of music. Back to what I was trying to say was I’m been slacking on this blogging stuff, but trust me I’ve been doing everything I promised myself I was going to start doing.

First things first, I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes down to the blogging game, I would I rather be journaling, but I wonder do they have computer ones? Truthfully, I write to hard to write in a journal, trust me my hands hurt writing a paragraph, if I could carry my lap top at all times and journal that would be my best route. I love to write but my hand hurting writing a paragraph is an issue, thats why I choose to blog. You don’t have to love everything about what I write but I write for my own sake and not for anyone else. I write for me, and only me.

Add music and writing and your at peace, your at your element and you get into the zone. Try it, go into a room thats quiet, add some relaxing music and a journal or a laptop and tell me you don’t feel the same. My space is my she den, I have a fireplace and a huge desk, now its not kept away because my dogs want to be up my butt, but I add some music and sit on my comfy ass chair and a girl goes. Now, you might ask what the heck is she den, well its like a man cave, craft room, whatever your space is called in that part of the house where its yours. My she den has my books, my unused circuit machine, my computer and my friends decor.

Singing inserted… my song is on, and I know you know this song, its Sade “Smooth Operator”. Anyways, my element is simple, music and a quiet room with a laptop, or a book and thats it. Now, in the streets my element is Target and Home Goods, and Starbucks thats a girls ish right there.

If you read my last blog, you know I have realized that I’m still broken and I thought all this time that if it happened or didnt happen I would be fine. Yeah that was a lie {insert eye roll emoji}. I had an appointment at the gynocologist on Friday and sat at in the waiting room. I’ve done this millions of times, normal annual pap smear. This time it was different, 3 pregnant woman were waiting too. That never bothered me before, but that day it did. As, I sat there one of them had a clear drink, that was handed to her by an MA, so she starts drinking it. One of the other pregnant woman asked how far along was she, because pretty soon she will had to do the same. They started talking to each other and how far along they were and then they started laughing about being pregnant, and one of them said “This is my 7th child” and the other pregnant one was like “I just had a baby last year and here I am again” and the last pregnant one (the one who was given the drink” said “omg me too” and all 3 started laughing. I texted my husband because I became upset, of course as a great husband he is, he did the pep talk and calmed me down, then I was called to the back. As I was checking out from that appointment, I heard in the ultrasound room of a small heart beat. As I stood at checkout I had a huge knot in my throat, and as soon as I sat in my car tears started to fall. I cried so hard that I howled, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt destroyed, I just kept screaming, and asking why it can’t be me. It was bad the whole way driving to get my husband I just cried and ugly cried some more, so bad that it was hard for me to even see driving. Of course as soon as I got close to my husbands job, I stopped. I didn’t want him to see me destroyed once again.

The hardest part is, I did fertility treatments (with a different feritilty doctor), I spent thousands of dollars. My husband and I have good quality equipment I just can’t ovulate. I probably can get pregnant with IVF but who has $15,000 sitting around. We tried even fostering, went thru application and then BOOM covid happened. I even emailed again, to the foster people that were in charge of my file and they advised me that due to covid, they are not doing a new foster parents yet. Now, what do I have left? Yeah everyone always says “it will happened” but when you have waited 6yrs, would you like hearing to that over and over again.

I suppose hearing that will make me feel better but it doesn’t. Can you blame me though, its an emotional rollercoaster of my life, my fears, and one makes me get into a deep depression. I want to be able to move on but, it hurts when its being discussed all the time. I don’t want to be cruel, but I’m not here for a Cinderella story, I’m here to write down every feel, every hurt and every thing that has happened in my life.

PCOS oh how I freaking hate you. I can honestly say that you have been good to me in the past, because I was dumb enough to be in serious relationships and wanted to be a hot ass with no protection. This time around though when I’m happy and committed to a wonderful husband is when PCOS is an asshole. When I gained weight I felt horrible oh man I would look in front of a mirror (and remember I am my hardest critic) look at myself and say “why are you such a fat cow”. When my husband reads this he will be upset, but that’s what I called myself. I will look at myself disgusted so I would try diets, after diets, trust me I’ve spent so much money on weight loss products. All it would do is lose 10lbs and I will plato by the second month. I will become frustrated and cry and look at my body even worse.

Want to hear the worst part, remember when I told you that I was seeing a fertility doctor, well guess what he told me after my diagnosis with PCOS, your overweight and the reason why your not able to get pregnant. Hit me when I’m already low, he sent me to his nutrionist. That was a nightmare, she was a total bitch just like he was, and was always talking down to me and if I slipped she would throw in my face, “see this is the reason why you aren’t pregnant” . Once again I’m crying because to hear that, threw me down so low that once again I hit my depression bottom, and thought maybe it was best for me not ever be a mother, or a wife. I once again hit rock bottom, and thought maybe my husband was better off without me. (don’t be scared this was 7yrs ago), I was naive and thought all my husband wanted was a baby and that if I didn’t happen he would leave. I hit a breaking point with this damn fertility doctor and spoke to my husband, he went with me to the nutritionist and heard how she talked to me, we left that appointment and he looked at me, and we had the talk, he told me that he didnt care if we never had kids as long as we had each other it didnt matter, he loved me for me, and to never go to this damn fertility doctor again. Now, around that time we gained our beautiful neice and I loved her so much, that when I was babysitting her and rocked her to sleep, my heart shattered and I would cry with her in my arms (no one knew this though). I wanted this, I wanted a baby, and I felt defeated. I told my gynecologist this after the follow up appointment what I went through with the fertility doctor so she decided she will help me, so I started taking clomid (a fertility drug) and I thought finally this is my chance to become a mother, nope multiple months no success, and at that time I got more depressed, and was diagnosed with anxiety. It got to much and I felt I wasn’t myself at all, I was broken, and I hated myself. Everyone wanted a child from me and my husband and would always bring it up around me, and trust me I know their intentions weren’t hurtful but if you was in my shoes every time you would ask when we are having a baby, you took a little piece of my heart (and it still does), you would remind me how much of a failure I was, and how much longed to be a mother. Every mothers day hurt, every baby shower I was invited, and every child’s birthday.

Now, you want to know a secret why I have so many animals, because I have a huge empty nest and all those animals is every time my heart shattered of not being a mother, so for the past 6 years I had a new animal, now you tell me that I’m a psycho having all those animals. I love those animals with all my heart, and its because of them that I was able to somewhat find happiness with myself and was able to go to your baby showers, your kids birthday parties, and hear your new baby announcements.

Had to grab a box of tissues, because I have finally admitted to myself that I am still broken.

Life has been rough for me, I can honestly say that I haven’t been happy with myself for awhile. Trust me, even writing that one sentence, I’ve had already had tears in my eyes. I felt for so long that I can’t be happy because it wasn’t written in the cards, or that I don’t deserve it. I’ve judged myself harder then anyone else had, I’ve been bullied in my younger years and that doesn’t even hurt as much as I hurt myself. I’ve been my lowest low, my depression has taking me to some dark places and I don’t know if I would’ve been here if it wasn’t for the fact that I was scared to even it attempt it. My depression started when I was a teenager, I don’t have to get into detail but put it like this almost every girl I’ve spoken to have been sexually victimized. I was at my lowest low after that and all I wanted to do was not live, not breath not have any care in the world because no one cared enough for me. I let it define me for so long, I pointed the finger to myself, and now looking back I hate that I blamed me because, it was never my fault. I would’ve let it take me, I thought leaving this earth was going to make things better, but honestly surviving is the better win. It still haunts me time to time but I believe in karma and oh did it do well, but I’ve also learned to forgive but I will never forget it.

My other hard rock bottom was my diagnosis of PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it’s a hormonal disorder that cause many different symptoms, like weight gain, infertility, loss of hair. When I first meet my husband I had gained a lot of weight and I thought maybe like every relationship you always gain weight, well for me that wasn’t the case. It took me and my husband to start trying for a baby to realize something was wrong. Writing this again is making me cry, but isn’t this the reason why I’m doing this to become a better version of myself. I went to my gynocoloist where she told me that I had all the textbook symptoms, but she wanted me to get blood work and see a ferility doctor. Well, thats when I hit rock bottom, what kind of a woman needs a fertility doctor to get pregnant. My husband and I went to the fertility doctor and thats when it was confirmed with blood work and ultrasound that I indeed had PCOS. Thinking back that day it was horrible my heart shattered, I felt useless as a wife, and a woman. When you grow up that’s all you wanted, a family and for me, that was going to be the hardest journey of my life.

New Years Resolution, starting a blog! I’ve been wanting to do this forever, and yeah it took me till 2021 to start. It seems with COVID there is a new way of trying to live life in different ways. I was a homebody (key my blogger name) and all I was trying to do was live my life. Everything around us was changing, thank god me and my husband were ok and we didn’t lose our jobs during it all. Now, can I say I didn’t become a wineoholic nope I’m certain now that I will be writing on every paperwork at the doctors office that I drink every day (tell me I won’t lie on it still though). I know you probably read my about me page (if you didn’t what are you doing here?) but I’ve been wanting to start becoming a better me, but how are you suppose to become a better you without knowing that you aren’t as put it together as you think you are <insert anxiety>. I don’t write blogs because I just want to become an author (I didn’t pass English class for that) but because writing down helps you focus on the important stuff. If you personally know me, I am not a happy go lucky always in a great mood person. I am in fact a perfertisont, a workaholic, a total asshole, BUT I am that person that will push beyond your limits, be there for you, and will always lend a hand even if its the last $2 in my pocket. My journey thru life has always been scary, difficult and with a lot of anxiety. I just can’t help the fact that my real life journal is about to become your life journey or as I hope so. I have done some pretty bad things (sorry not sorry mom) and some really great things too. In this story, we have to start from the beginning. Well, not that early because then this well be a very very long blog (and my foot has officially started falling asleep). I was born in Chicago, and raised in a town in south jersey, where there is a lot of land and nothing really else to do. When my mother and father decided to divorce I came to live in this town in south jersey with my godfather and my grandmother (yup, my father aka sperm donor didn’t care for me and my brother but thats daddy issues that we won’t get into right now). Now, I was raised with a strict old school Puerto Rican grandmother who raised you to be a respectful woman (I know people can relate to that). I can’t say she didn’t teach me well but, boy I hated it then. I wasn’t allowed to play outside with the boys because girls were suppose to be inside cooking and cleaning of course. Who wasn’t raised with grandparents that weren’t strict with you. I’ve learned my great wife duties with my grandmother and mother because of it. I lived with them for years until my mom decided that she will get her own place. It was great and we have so many great memories I still remember the first meal we had there me and my brother shard a 20 piece nuggets and a supersize fries (remember those 90’s babies) with my mom on a huge ass microwave because we didn’t have any furniture at all yet, those were the times. Even though my struggles have made me become who am I now, I feel there is still something I haven’t learned or gained from this. To be the best version of myself, to be happy of what I’ve become, to love myself in every stretch mark, every tear, and every smile. After 2020 being the year it’s been, I think I can say with half the world reading this 2021 its time to reflect on my life, my insecurities, and do everything that I always told myself that I can’t do. This year I want to turn it into I CAN DO THIS!